Stuff I Don’t Believe: Notes from a skeptical coach

The day that I realized magazine skin care advice is fake was a sad one for me.

I remember the feeling of betrayal rising as I leafed through some fashion magazine and realized that their skincare recommendations were based on... nothing at all. No-one was doing science. At best, "five interns tried" or "twenty readers tested." No control groups. At worst, they were just typing in whatever it said on the label. "Reduces acne and clogged pores." "Brightens dark undereye circles." My arse!

That was the day I stopped reading skincare recommendations in magazines. Why bother, if they're not real? I'm not interested in gambling my time and money on products that probably don't do anything.

I feel the same way about the tools I use in coaching. I don't want to waste my time, or my clients’ time, on things that don't work.

Coaching is adjacent to the world of self-help and personal development, and that world is full of woo. There are pages to be written about why that is, but not today. For now, I want to tell you what I don't believe in.

I don't believe in manifesting and the law of attraction

To be honest, I am not clear on the lore here, but I think the idea is if you think about something hard enough, or if you want it enough, it will happen? And conversely if it doesn't happen, it's because you didn't want it hard enough?

No. Just, no. Why? Why would that be? What's the mechanism? It doesn't make sense.

I think what looks like manifesting is a combination of factors. Once you decide something is important to you, you'll pay more attention to it and so you'll start to notice opportunities that you overlooked before. You'll start talking about it to other people, and they notice and share opportunities, or introduce you to people. You'll start believing that you're capable of the thing, and that will change how you behave and how other people see you.

The thing is, this kind of manifesting works best when you're already awash in opportunities and connections. It works for rich, privileged people. You can't manifest your way out of poverty or oppression.

I don't believe in the universe

Obviously I believe in the material universe. Let's go with, the material universe is a real thing, or at least a workable model. What I don't believe is that the universe is a conscious entity that wants you to know things, teaches you lessons, or puts things in your path.

Again, just, No. Why? Why would that be? What's the mechanism? How unbelievably egotistical, to think the universe is bothered about you.

I do believe life is full of lessons, and (again) opportunities. But they're just there, for you to see or not.

I don't believe in MBTI

Personality tests are tricky at the best of times, but MBTI is particularly useless. This is not a hot take — there are lots of articles and videos about how MBTI doesn’t describe people in a meaningful or reproducible way — but for some reason MBTI hangs on. People love to identify themself by their MBTI the same way they say their zodiac sign or Hogwarts house.

I don't believe in tarot

Cards can't tell the future. Nor can entrails or dice.

I see the appeal of tarot cards. They can be beautiful and I think most people who use tarot in coaching use them as reflection tools, or for inspiration, rather than literally for divination. They're great for that kind of thing. I would use them myself, but I don't want to spend the time to learn all the meanings — there are lots of other reflection cards which serve the same purpose without being so... arcane. (Har har.)

I don't believe in a lot of things

I could go on — crystals, Reiki… the list of things I don't believe in is endless. I'm great fun at parties. But you get the idea. The point is, I don't want to waste my time or yours with ineffective tools.

Things I do believe

I have a whole page about what I believe in an esoteric sense, but here are the mechanisms I believe actually work in coaching.

The core coaching techniques I learned in coaching school really work. They engage the power of relationships, guided reflection, language, trust, partnership and accountability. Just as you don't need more than flour, salt, water and yeast to make good bread, you don't need any more ingredients than these to do good coaching.

I believe in neuroscience and neuroplasticity, the ability to create changes in your brain by changing your behaviour. Coaching wasn't created with neuroscience in mind (I don't think), but coaching techniques are increasingly understood to have neurological effects.

Of course, you can make bread with only those four ingredients, but you can make it richer and more interesting with eggs, milk, raisins, herbs, olive oil, and more (not all in the same loaf, probably). Similarly, coaching can be richer and more fun with add-ins. I like to use the VIA strengths test and the wheel of life, and as I coach more I expect I'll add more.

We don’t have to believe the same stuff

It's important to say it's okay if you believe in stuff — we can still work together. Most of the people I work with believe in stuff I don't believe in, and I'm sure I believe in things they don't. What's important in our work together is the role those beliefs play in your life, and what they mean to you. I'm not here to change your mind — I'm here to help you change your life.